The Conspiracy Against Barry Bonds
Every once in a while, Major League Baseball gets it right.
Please try to avoid retching upon your keyboard when you hear the name, but the baseball players’ union (a behemoth most foul) has found evidence that teams acted together to ensure Barry Bonds was not signed to a 2008 contract. Seems to me that the lawyers involved in major league sports have forgotten a few of the rules set by kids across America on their “fields of dreams” whether they be dirt, grass, or concrete.
The most basic tenet of baseball is that kids who cheat or defile the game are not invited to play.
When I was growing up, there was always one kid in town who would try to bend the rules to ensure his performance was above par. Whether it was calling in-the-dirt strikes, or middle-of-the-plate balls, or foul balls before they even landed. We put up with it for a little while, and then we just stopped asking him to come play. If he showed up anyway, there was always a valid excuse (at least in our minds) why he couldn’t play. The game was important to us, and it had to be played the right way. Sure, our “ghost runners” always had the speed of Lou Brock, and any hit out of the infield was an automatic double, but the hard rules were known by each and every player. Cheating was a hard rule.
I think that the respective owners and their clubs finally decided in 2008 that Barry Bonds had broken the rules and wasn’t invited to their sand lot anymore. Look, Barry Bonds is as guilty of doping as OJ Simpson was of murdering Nicole and Ron…everybody knows that he was using steroids to chase Hank Aaron, a man who’s only admitted drug use was “bubble gum.” Sure, lawyers and San Francisco Giant fans can muck it all up with the innocent til proven guilty line, but seems to me that all of baseball KNOWS and they made what I consider a gutsy decision.
Well, maybe not terribly gutsy…they should have just come out one by one and said, “he’s not playing in my stadium” but God knows the lawyers would have had a field day with that.
I think that the gutsiest decision will be by the Baseball Hall of Fame, as I am forecasting that they deny him access to the hallowed halls. At least I am hoping that they remember their days of pick-up games where cheaters weren’t allowed to play. Maybe they won’t have to worry about it at all, if he is convicted of the myriad charges against him, then they’ll just pull out the Pete Rose Precedent and have done with it.
The Laws of Life
The First Law of Life, as children under the age of 8 will attest is the following.
Don’t squeeze the juice box.
It’s a simple proposition, but one that is nearly impossible to obey. The juice box is something that little hands must grasp (and therefore squeeze) in order to avoid Subsection A of the First Law of Life, which spells out that juice boxes are not to be dropped on the floor. Anyone who has seen a dropped juice box will swear that some dark magic allowed the manufacturers to cram 5 gallons of juice into the 6 ounce box. In reality, the actual number of possible infractions surrounding the juice box could only be recited by Rain Man in between episodes of Judge Wapner. Yeah, 137 infractions, yeah.
I had hoped that I would not have to spell out The First Law of Life to my toddler more than once. As any rabidly proud parent would say, “my son is the smartest kid I ever met.” Yet, every time a juice box is handed over to the genius that sprang from my loins, the warning is given…and ignored.
Clothes must be changed, floors washed, tempers calmed and tears kissed away. As all this is happening, I wonder just how such an individual will survive in the great big world when he cannot even remember (or flat out ignores) the First Law of Life? What horrid destiny is in store for him? How will I be able to conceal my shame?
Then, I realize the apple has not fallen far from the tree. I have also ignored some basic rules that can be found as subsections for the First Law of Life.
1. Never give a juice box if the child is in the vicinity of carpeting. It is often best to hand it to them while they are covered in plastic, in a plastic room, with multiple drainpipes installed in the floors.
2. Never stick the straw all the way into the box before handing it to the child (there is some kind of physics at play here that I do not comprehend, but the evidence is clear).
3. Never give a juicebox to a child.
However! I am an adult, and the rules for us are different, especially when we need to ensure a proper teaching experience is had.
Sure, I’d like to blame the companies that produce these little torture devices, but for some reason I just keep buying the damned things. Sure, my hand tingles and I get a violent eye twitch as I reach for them on the market shelves, but I keep telling myself things will be different this time, and I am damned well not going to stop buying them until he understands and adheres to the First Law of Life.
Or maybe I should just give him a cup and start worrying about how to convince him that little girls (or boys if you have daughters) are icky little zombies that steal souls and need to be avoided at all costs for a minimum of 18 years or independence (whichever comes first). I can only hope he gets the Second Law of Life quicker than the First.
Making Sense of Blogging
Been looking at the numbers for this blog. Here’s the top posts of the past year and a half for your reading pleasure. I’d like to say everyone is scrambling to see my rantings on politics…but it seems George Will is safe for now. I think I’ll start working on some other topics that are a bit more lighthearted.
1. The Difference Between Creek and Crick
2. BioFuel Problem Solved – POO IS THE ANSWER
3. Maybe a Beating IS Called For
Based on the search criteria, I guess a lot of people (well over 100) don’t know the difference between a crick and a creek, so I’m happy to clarify.
Let’s start having some fun out there… 
